Note: This is Part One of a two-part series that I’m working on. Part One focuses on my last three relationships and what I’ve learned from each of them. Stay tuned for final part of the series. Enjoy.
I think I’m ready to start dating again. Hell maybe a relationship. Why you may ask?
Am I feeling lonely? No.
Am I bored? Definitely not that because I’m never bored.
Would I like to meet new people? Yes, I would.
Am I tired of beating my own dick at night? I plead the Fifth.
What is the exact reason?
I want to know what it feels like to have a successful relationship. My idea of a successful relationship: being with your significant other for at least two Beyonce’ visual album releases(2-3 years), going on romantic getaways, cohabitating in a beautiful 3 bedroom townhouse in Gentrified Neighborhood, USA, and raising a beautiful French Bulldog named Pierre Toussaint. A boy can dream can he.
Unfortunately, most of my relationships only lasted for months at a time. The only thing my exes and I raised together was Hell. Never made it to the romantic getaway stage, however I went on vacation with one of my exes. Unfortunately, it was a group trip and definitely no romance was involved.
Admittedly, these relationships occurred when I was much younger and didn’t have a full understanding of who I was. In my 20s and early 30s, I was plagued with low self-esteem, insecurities, loneliness, and content on being a hoodrat. As a result, I settled for any dude that showed me some attention or stayed in relationships that wasn’t good for me.
My last relationship was three years ago and I haven’t dated since. However, I’ve been dating and getting to know myself. Since dating myself, my confidence has grown. I’ve become comfortable with my sexuality, sensuality, and have a clear understanding of my mental stability. Now I know exactly what I want from life, what I want in a relationship/dating, and what I want from my potential bae.
Over the last three years, I’ve been reflecting on my three previous relationships and what I have learned from each of them. The good, the bad, and the fucked up. After all, there was a reason why I was attracted to these guys in the first place and why the relationships had to end. My intentions are not to bash my exes because they’re all good dudes in their own right. However, they were not right for me.
The names have been changed to protect their identities. However, the situations described are based on my personal experience.
Erotika
My last official lover was Erotika and that was three years ago. Our relationship lasted exactly one year, the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship.And to be honest, I hated it being in this relationship the whole time(I’ll explain in a few). I met him via a sex site and he became my weekly sex buddy. Zodiac sign: Scorpio. Tall, intelligent, attractive, nice body, and freaky as fuck, I fell in love. Bad mistake.
The Good: Erotika had my back no matter what decision I made. He was instrumental in me reconnecting with my mother after being distant from her. He didn’t allow his friends to disrespect me and more importantly, he enjoyed being around me. Erotika and I would have great discussions on everything from race relations to our favorite movies. In a perfect world, he would’ve been one of my best friends.
The Bad: Due to him wanted to spend every minute with me, he became overly possessive and jealous of any of my friendships. If he wasn’t around me, he wanted to know every move I was making. Being an older guy, Erotika was stuck in his ways and didn’t have an open mind. If you disagreed with him, he would become very defensive and combative. Also, I lost myself due to him not being open minded. I changed everything about myself including the way I dressed, the food I ate, and hobbies because of him.
The Fucked-Up: One month into our relationship, we’d completely stopped having sex. For a whole twelve months, 52 weeks, and 365 days, our relationship was sexless. No oral. No anal. No handjobs. No sword fighting. Just sexless. How did we go from getting it in 2-3 times a week to none at all? We discovered we weren’t as sexually compatible as we thought. I paid for majority of our dates because he never had enough money for two people. At one point, Erotika barely had money to buy a 2 for $5 meal at Mickey D’s. Erotika made feel like I was raising a grown ass man because he could barely take care of himself. Most importantly, we didn’t have a friendship and we weren’t trying to build one. Lowkey, I think we secretly hated but tolerated each other because neither one of us wanted to be alone. Neither one of us wanted to be the first say goodbye.
What I’ve learned from this relationship: Never settle because you’re bored and lonely. Intimacy and communication is important for any relationship to last. Finally, establishing a friendship with your potential lover is crucial to the future of your relationship. If you can’t be friends, then you shouldn’t be lovers.
Mr. Addictive
If there’s one person who’ve fucked it up for everyone relationship wise, Mr. Addictive would be that nigga. He fucked up my world, my mind, and potentially my heart. I said to myself, I would not bash him in this post but goddamnit he deserves this verbal ass whooping.It’s not his fault thought; I blame myself for allowing everything to continuously happen the way it did. He wasn’t officially my dude, but from 2008-2012, we reconnected for periods of time like we were in a relationship.
Mr. Addictive entered my life back in my late 20s. I will admit, I was attracted to him at first sight. His whole demeanor was familiar to someone in my past. Zodiac: Maybe a Pisces or Cancer. All I know he was emotional he was emotional as fuck. Hershey colored complexion, tall, and averaged but toned build, Mr. Addictive could’ve been the one but he took me for granted and broke my heart
The Good: I’ll be the first to admit, the only amazing thing to come out of this “relationship” was the sex. The night of drinking Bombay Sapphire and Hennessey type of sex. The type of sex that if you used a black light in the dark, crime scene/DNA everywhere kinda sex. Did we have anything else in common besides the sex? Who knows. He was a smooth talker and made me feel like I mattered. Simplicity was his name: he enjoyed chicken wings and Red Stripe just like I did.
The Bad: Mr. Addictive had more issues that Vogue, Jet, Ebony, and Highlights magazines combined. Every time I was around him, he was battling someone or something: family, friends, drugs, and alcohol. Unfortunately, we had those things in common. At that time, I was battling my own demons. However, I was recovering from my issues when we met up again over the years. Mr. Addictive, on the other hand, was blaming others for how his life turned out. Acceptance and validation from his friends, family, and colleagues was important to him. If he felt rejected, he would go back to his drug and alcohol usage to numb his pain away.
The Fucked Up: Remember when I said Mr. Addictive reminded me of my someone but I couldn’t put my finger on it? Well, Mr. Addictive reminded me of my father. The drinking, the partying, the drugs. He even had the same physical features as my dad. Like my dad, Mr. Addictive would break promises, stand me up on dates, and disappear for days due to his addictions. His need for validation, drugs and partying left me stranded at my birthday dinner that he planned for me one year. When he was sober and clean, Mr. Addictive was the best dude to be around and that’s why I was in love with him. However, I was his sidepiece and I couldn’t compete with his love of drugs. After his disappearances, he would reappear with the “I’m sorry, I love you, I need you” texts. The final straw was my birthday dinner. That was back in 2012 and I haven’t heard from him since.
What I’ve learned from this relationship: You can’t be Captain Save-A-Hoe, when the hoe didn’t asked to be saved. I thought if I stayed with Mr. Addictive, I would be able to take away his pain and disappointments. However, I was battling my own demons. Mr. Addictive was the substitute for my estrangement with my dad. Every time Mr. Addictive broke my heart or disappointed me, it was a constant reminder of my father’s behavior. Because of Mr. Addictive’s antics, I vowed to never date any heavy drug or alcohol users, including weed smokers. Mr. Addictive is also the reason why I would never date an ex again.They’re an ex for a reason.
Deacon
Deacon was much different from everyone else I’ve dated. He wasn’t nerdy, thuggish, or anything I was used to. He was a loud, in the closet, church queen. However, I was attracted to him. He holds the titled of being the only dude that I’ve actively pursued. I found love in a hopeless place: at a sex party where I was bartending. Zodiac sign: Capricorn. Bald head, nice chest, and nice ass all in the flesh. At the time, Deacon had a boyfriend but they were having issues so he came to the sex party to “relax.” He would eventually break up with his dude three weeks later and we had a summer romance.
The Good: Yes the sex was good. However, we actually enjoyed each other time. Every weekend, we were either going to a play, the museum, or festival. These things were right up my alley as far as dates. As we were complete opposites, Deacon and I learned from each other. I taught him how to dress, about secular music, and how to become a Top(saving this story for later date). He taught me about keeping my composure and what a relationship is supposed to be about. As our relationship evolved, so did Deacon.
The Bad: Deacon shared every aspect of relationship with his friends. They knew about all of our arguments, how big my dick was, my favorite style of underwear, and about our sex lives. Every time I was around Deacon’s friends, they would either give me the side eye or attempt to seduce me. While at a party, one friend told me he want to see if everything that Deacon said about me was true. No I’ve never slept with or messed around with any of my exes’ friends. Nor will I intentionally do so. However, I did kiss and cop of feel on Deacon’s friend’s ass that night. I also found out that Deacon and the friend had multiple sessions in the past.
The Fucked Up: Whatever you did to get your dude, is the way you will lose them. I purposely broke up with Deacon because of that mantra. Deacon and I met at a sex party. The first time we had sex was at that party(we had a threesome). I even witnessed Deacon have sex with several dudes that same night. Mind you, Deacon had a man at home waiting for him. In my mind, Deacon would eventually do the same to me He never gave me a reason not to trust him. However, Deacon became distant and we were spending less time with each other. Lastly, he was still in the closet and our relationship was a secret. Deacon and I still communicate on occasions but I never told him why I ended our relationship.
What I’ve learned from this relationship: You can truly love someone no matter what their faults are. All relationships including friendships are supposed to help you grow as person and you’re suppose to learn from each other.
Mary J said it best, Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good even though he breaks my heart so bad. I’ve had my share of Mr. Wrongs and it’s time for me to be like Aretha, and I find my Dr. Feelgood and Mr. Do Right. What am I looking for in a potential dude? Stay tuned for Part 2.
Looking back in your past relationships, what have you learned from each of those relationships? Share your thoughts below.