It’s one of those nights when I’m feeling kinda horny and in dire need of someone to make me feel good like Billy Bob did Halle in Monster’s Ball. With no potentials in my phone, I signed into several hookup apps and websites(none of which will be endorsed here until I get an official advertisement check #ijs) to search for the man of lusty dreams.
Perusing through the ads, I came across several men that potentially peaked my visual interest. After viewing their profiles, I surrendered and decided it was better for me to have a Tumblr/MyVidster session, recreate T-Boz and Tweet ‘s songs (touch myself), and call it a night. Every profile I read (yes I actually read profiles) was either pissed off at the world, used discriminatory language, or was serving more catfish than Pappadeux, Bay Breeze, and Captain D’s restaurants combined. Hannibal Hand had to work his magic that night.
Does this scenario sound familiar? Whether you’re on Jack’d, Grindr, Adam4Adam, Scruff, or Christian Mingle, most of my gay brethren have been in similar situations, leaving them frustrated because of the lack of quality men. Hell, even Tinder and BlackPeopleMet are making the straights just as frustrated with similar issues as the gays when it comes to dating.
No matter what app you’re using, it’s all about presentation. Our desires are based on how they are presented to us. Why would a hook up be any different? Your presentation has to be alluring, seductive, sensual, and relatable to your target audience.
To assist with your presentation, I’ve come up with four tips of creating the ultimate online dating and hookup ad. With my guidance, you could potentially get the love of your live, the nut of the night, or both.
Four Tips On Creating the Ultimate Online Dating Profile
-Upload a current picture of yourself. Here’s a shocker: men are visual creatures. If we weren’t, we would read romance novels instead of watching porn. Upload a CURRENT picture of yourself. Not an object. Not a meme. Not a backdrop. Not a blank space unless you’re Taylor Swift. An actual self portrait, preferably without sunglasses and a hat on. And by current pic, I mean a pic taking within the last 12 months, not in 2001. If you have a smartphone, there is absolutely no excuse to not have a pic on your hookup profile. If you’re too DL to not post a pic or you have to resort to catfishing, you’re ass don’t need to date or hook up at all. Pointblank and the period.
-Get Straight to the Point in Your Profile. Your profile should be a reflection of you and expresses exactly what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for friends, no strings attached, a relationship, or friends with benefits, mention that in your ad. Also mention your hobbies(if you’re looking for friends, relationship, etc.) or sexually turns you on. Be truthful with your physical attributes including your weight(note: you’re allowed to embellish 10-15lbs), and whatever else you feel like disclosing. However, your profile should not read like the general prologue of the Canterbury Tales, so keep it short and seductive. Also, DO NOT mention the 3 C’s in your profile: Car, Crib, and Career. Why not you say? Congrats on being a grown ass man. However, you’re not applying for credit or a job, so you don’t need to add it.
-Negative language is turnoff. If you’re ad features the phrases: you faggots kill me, most of ya’ll ain’t worth my time responding, or dogging anyone because of their race, body type, or how feminine they appear, etc, do us of all a favor: delete your ad now. Ain’t shit sexy about bad attitudes and negativity. Your profile is supposed to be sexy, seductive, and intriguing, not a Donald Trump hate speech. Don’t get me wrong, I understand everyone has a type, preference, fetish, and turn on. However, your negativity says more about you as a person than it says about the person you allegedly hate. If you’re going to be negative, in the words of Joseline Hernandez, “Ho, why are you here?”
-Allow your confidence to shine. You know what’s makes a beautifully challenge person sexy? Confidence. When creating a hook up profile, you have to create it as if you’re the sexiest muthafucka on the planet even if you’re not. Never talk negative about yourself in your hook up ad and don’t allow others to do it to you.
I know what you’re thinking: why would I make the effort in writing a profile that none of these niggas don’t bother to read anyway? My logic: if they didn’t bother to read your profile and they insist on asking questions that’s already been answered in your ad, ignore and block that ass. If you’re responding to an ad, please read that shit before asking questions, make the move on that person you’re pursuing, and be prepared to have an actual conversation if you believe that person is the one you want to connect with. Happy Hookups!!!