I want to dedicate this post to the original “Nasty Girl,” Denise Matthews aka Vanity. Thank you for being a creative influence in my life. R.I.P. (01/04/1959-02/15/2016).
“You need to get into King’s album. I think you will like them, ” were the words my friend Layron said to me on Facebook as I was searching for something to listen to on Apple Music (For the old people, King is a R&B female group, not T.I.).
“Cool,” I say, “Do they sing about sex or how a nigga did them wrong over a Trap beat?”(Once again old people..Trap Music is the new R&B. Think of that young man who allegedly ruined your favorite Brownstone song).
Responding with the side eye emoji, Layron states, “You can’t be ratchet all your life. You need some balance.”
I hate to admit it but Layron is right. My musical taste tends to be more ratchet than the average bear. Don’t get me wrong, I love all types of music. Jill Scott. Erykah Badu. Anita Baker. Maroon 5. Hell I will even admit that I entertained Taylor Swift’s last album(although I believe that Kendrick should’ve won Album of the Year at the Grammys but I digress).
However, Mary J. is my idol. She’s the queen of singing about heartbreak over a hardcore hip-hop beat. Multiple playlists filled with Rihanna, Beyonce’, Monica, Jazmine, and Keyshia. I grew up hearing my aunt play blues records by Denise LaSalle, Betty Wright, and Millie Jackson. As a teenager, I memorized the verses of Kim, Foxy, and Trina. To be honest, K. Michelle is my spirit animal (I just saw my future bae run for the hills after that confession). I admire female artists who take risks and not afraid to say what’s on their mind.
Sure Mary had me curse out a few my exes. They deserved to be cursed out at that time. Nevermind that Trina had talked me into pulling over for VVS studs and calling myself the Diamond Prince at some point in life. Of course, I slept with a semi-married man because Millie had me thinking it was okay, as long as he took his trifling ass back home to that nigga he’s hugged up with on IG. As I am writing this article, I’m working on my formation because of Ri and Bey said so respectively. Don’t judge me based on my musical taste goddamnit.
As much as I love to Mary bop and do my best Showgirl-esque pelvic thrusting to a Rihanna song, I also believe my music taste has influenced my outlook on relationships and dating. Strip away the urge to party and listen to the lyrics of my favorite female artists, they’re either hurting from what a fuck boy has done to them, just want to fuck a boy, or a combination of both.Just like my fave, when it comes to dating or being in a relationship, I’m either hurt, horny, or a combination of both.
Most of my blog posts have a reoccurring theme: I’m either hurting from a past relationship or I’m giving out to tips to release your inner sex shooter. Unfortunately, I have yet to write about the beauty of love, searching for a soulmate, and how to make love work(no shade to other bloggers that have). Maybe in the future but that’s never been my reality. I can only relate to being hurt and horny, so that’s what I choose to write about. My musical taste reflects my reality.
Two things I know about relationships: my heart will be broken or I will get cheated on. I rarely let my guard down when it comes to meeting new people and especially when dating someone. Due to my childhood and past relationships, it’s difficult for me to trust anyone or even express an emotion besides anger. When I do let my guard down, that’s my way of showing you that I’m interested in getting to know you and I’m trusting you not to hurt or disappoint me. The heartbreak comes from setting that expectation.
I’ve also done my share of heartbreaking. If I was to conduct an exit interview with some of my exes, I would predict that most of them will say I broke their heart based on my behavior. I would subconsciously punish the new dude for what the past dudes have done to me. I knew it was unfair to give the new dude hell because of what the last jackass did but I was still hurting.
Why do I believe I will get cheated on? Most of my relationships began because I was the other woman, the side piece, or as one my exes said, boyfriend #2. They were in relationships with dudes that allegedly didn’t treat or fuck them right. As they were getting to know me, I was everything their current boyfriend wasn’t: attentive and allowed them to be themselves. I was a breath of fresh air. Low and be hold, I was the clean up man like Betty Wright said and they would eventually leave their dude for me.
I didn’t mind being a sidepiece because if fucking them was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. However, I do believe in how you catch a man, is how your man will leave you. They left their dude for me after all, so I knew the same thing would happen to me. Same script, different cast. I would be cast as the disrespectful and inattentive boyfriend who get replaced by someone new. Before I get replaced, I would break up with these dudes months later.
Don’t get me wrong, I support open and polyamorous relationships as long as I’m not blindsided and given the option to stay in the relationship(discussion for later). However, I’m sure these dudes’ boyfriends didn’t know I existed or was having an affair with their lover. I didn’t want to end up like those niggas so I left.
My sexual personality is influenced by my musical taste as well. Vanity Six (R.I.P. Denise Mathews), Adina Howard, Prince, and Luke/2 Live Crew taught me about the birds and bees. However, it was Kimberly Jones, Inga Marchand, and Katrina Taylor(aka the Rap Bitch Holy Trinity: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, and Trina) who taught an impressionable gay teen about having sex with a man. Yes, I learned to have gay sex from rap music.
Not only did these women teach me about sex with men but also schooled me on life lessons that I presently use. Lil Kim taught me not to be afraid to explore my sensuality and sexuality. Fox taught me it was okay to be unapologetic and demand respect when it comes to hustling in a straight man’s world. Trina schooled me on how to stay ahead of the game and not to let the world bring me down.
My sexual confidence is a mixture of a 90s female rapper, Luke dancer, and Nola Daring from the Spike Lee movie, She’s Gotta Have It. Sex is a beautiful and exciting experience. It should not be reduced to a 10 second Vine/Snapchat video. You have to learn and master the art of sensuality if you’re wanting to have a session with me. Sex is an artform and you have to rock the boat, work the middle, change positions, and stroke it for me.
For the record, I love King’s new CD. I am learning to appreciate beautiful music and understand that everything doesn’t have to be ratchet, angry, and sexually explicit. Balance is important especially if I’m planning on dating soon. I just hope a dude can appreciate the turn up occasionally though.
How has music, television, or movies influenced your outlook on relationships and dating? Share your story below.