Hi, my name is Jimmie and I’m officially an older gay man. Yes, I know that 35 (my real age btw) is still considered young. However, for gay world, I’m one foot away from being in the retirement village. In gay world, age and time is similar to dog years.
For example, a six month relationship equates to two years. Been together for 1-2 years, you’ve been married for five years. Anything after your two year anniversary, you’re basically grandparents. A 35-year-old, single gay man is equivalent to being a never been married and childless woman in her 50s. I’ll be damned if I become a cat lady and die alone in an old recliner watching In the Heat of the Night.
However, I am single with no prospects. Hell, I don’t even have a regular fuck buddy. Is this all by choice? Kinda sorta. At this stage in my life, I refuse to settle because I’m feeling lonely. Been there, done that, wrote several blog posts about it(i.e.I Wanna Get To Know Ya: The 30 and Up Remix.)
When I was younger, I would just settle for the first semi-fuckable dude that hit me up, told me I was pretty, and Whoomp! there it is, we had sex without any connection. Now that I’m mature, I believe I deserve to be with someone who is into me like I am into them, willing to take the time to get to know each other and just maybe, have some amazing sex along the way. Is that too much to ask for?
Being that I’m socially awkward and introverted, I have a difficult time dating. I know some of you are saying, “Jimmie, stop bullshitting us. You of all people shouldn’t have a hard time dating.” I’m being honest: making the first move on someone is intimidating to me. You never want to come across as “thirsty” and be put on blast on social media with screen shots. Even if it’s going down in the DMs like Yo Gotti and you’re cool with them Snapchatting their pussy to you, you don’t want to come across as thirsty.
According to my friends off and on Facebook(FBeezy!!!), we’re all having difficulties with dating. As men of a certain demographic (30 years and up), our idea of dating isn’t “Netflix and Chilling”(well not on the first date anyway). My friends and I want to go on ACTUAL dates like going to a beer and cognac festival or going to Top Golf for overpriced chicken wings. Leaving our house to go to someone else’s house to watch Netflix isn’t the ideal date. We can watch Tangerine and chill by our goddamn selves in the comfort of our own home. I understand that Netflix and chill is more subtle than saying I just want you to come over and let’s get nasty, but we’re grown ass men not undergrad college students. We want to actually go on a date where chemistry plays a role into us taking our clothes off, not a force situation.
Don’t get it twisted, my friends and I are not complaining about being single, feeling lonely, or even looking for a relationship for the most part. Believe it or not, we love our freedom of not being in a relationship. However, we all love going on an occasional date and miss a time when dating was actually fun and exciting, not stressful like it has become. We’re too old for the bullshit that dating has become these days with the horrible games that people play.
To help my friends and I, I’ve come up with four tips that will help dating for the mature, over 30 year old man. These tips were influenced by the subtle(and not so subtle messages) that’s on Facebook that my friends and I have complained about on dating. My tips are as follows:
-Improve your conversational skills. In 2016, if you’re still using the following on any dating or sex site: What’s Good, Sup, Sup Yo, What You Gettin’ Into, What’s Brings You Online, and the infamous, Checking You Out or any of those derivatives that came from a 2008 Remy Mars porno movie, your conversational skills are lacking. If all your responses are one word, you need to improve your conversational skills. As a grown ass man, you should know how to hold a conversation or at least in the process of learning. Excellent conversation should flow naturally and engaging, not come across as a horrible job interview or a call center script. After all, we’re know at the age where our looks can only go so far and being able to hold an actual conversation adds to your attractiveness.
-Go after what you want and follow through. The Ying Yang Twins once whispered, ” Closed mouths don’t get fed.” With life and dating, this statement remains valid. If you want to go out on a date, don’t be afraid to ask someone out. The only thing they can say is no. Another issue my friends and I have is the lack of follow through. If you make plans for a date, as a man, you need to show up on said date and not wait until the last minute and cancel. Don’t be that nigga that asks a person what’s their availability and set a date but then get Ghost like you’re Omari Hardwick on Power and pull that “Hey Stranger” text bullshit two months later. A man’s word is his bond and If you don’t have your word, you don’t have shit.
-Keep an open mind. The more mature we become, the more stubborn and settled in our ways we become. However, if you’re planning on dating or getting in a relationship, your legs shouldn’t be the only thing that’s flexible about you. Be willing to compromise and step out of your comfort zone. The world is filled with other possibilities. Life is more than diva talk, sex, and 420. You can teach an old dog new tricks if you’re willing to learn.
-State your intentions up front. At this stage, you should be done with playing games and ready to retire. If you want a relationship, casual date, or an one night extravaganza, state your intentions upfront. As we mature and become comfortable in our own skin, we should also know exactly what we want from the people in our lives: currently and potentially. Honesty is the best policy and it starts from within. Do you really want to end up like those old Bulldog queens who are still wearing those 2Xist camisoles, Fubu velour sweatsuits, and Stevie Wonder-esque balding cornrows?
I’ve only been 35 for the two months and to be honest, I am enjoying it. I’m finally coming into my own identity and being comfortable in my own skin. I’ve retired my Tenderoni title years ago and I’m even appreciating being approached by younger dudes(they considered me season meat now: sad reference I know). I’m looking forward to actively dating and enjoying life, No more accepting dates from knuckleheads and jackasses. However, I do plan on asking my longtime crush out on a date soon. Maybe. To be continued.