Exit #Summer16. Enters #Fall2016. Leaves are slowing changing into gold, orange, or brown hues as they trickle slowly to the ground. The pumpkin spice invasion has landed with everything pumpkin-flavored ranging from lattes to condoms. Hoodies and grey sweatpants become the uniform of choice for the fellas and their eggplant displays. Every girl is about step up MJB-inspired boot game.
As you’re getting acquainted with the newly released iPhone, you’re slowly getting “Hey Stranger” and “Wassup Big Head” text messages from someone you used to know. At that moment, you realized that summer is over and cuffing season is about to commence.
From September to February or March(depending on if the groundhog sees its shadow), cuffing season is the time of year for those people who didn’t want to be “booed up” while it’s hot but now desires a bae now that its getting cold. These are the same muthafuckas who’ve been thotting and bopping all summer because “it’s too damn hot to be seriously dating,” but now accepting applications for a cuddle buddy to keep them warm during the cold weather. Just as time falls back, summer whores now wanting to fall back into more intimate interactions while it’s cold.
Coincidentally, cuffing season is also the time of year when thick, chubby, and fat boys are the rage. During the warm months, most thickums(myself included) rarely get any love because let’s be honest, us big niggas produce hella body heat and nobody has time for that. As soon as October hits, we become more desirable. Everyone wants a teddy bear and appreciates the stomach, body heat, and hair as long as they have someone to hold. (Side note: I’m an all seasons man. If you can’t fuck with me while it’s hot, you can’t fuck with me while it’s freezing.)
To get you prepared for #CuffingSeason2016, I’ve come up with several tips that should make your cuffing sessions more enjoyable. After all, you don’t want to be sipping pumpkin spice hot chocolate and sitting by a cozy fire all by your lonesome.( For the record, I hate anything pumpkin spice).
7 TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL CUFFING SEASON
-Invest in a streaming service such as Amazon Prime, Netflix, or Hulu. Let’s be honest, streaming services have the best damn programming known to man. Picture it: you and cuddle buddy nestled together and sharing a Snuggie, wearing long john bottoms(commando of course) and binge watching Stranger Things, The Get Down, Luke Cage, or one of the those horrible Kenya Moore straight to streaming movies. The alternative to not having a streaming service: football and on-demand cable.
-Have a list of potential cuddle buddies. I recommend having three contenders as cuddle buddies. Any more than three is entering into Sloredom territory. Your cuddle buddy decision should be based on the following factors: do you enjoy their company, chemistry, energy, nonsexual and sexual activities. Consider it as your version of Rupaul’s Drag Race. The time has come…for you…to cuddle for your…LEGACY!!!!! In my Rupaul voice.
-Be active and available. Reevaluate your cut off game and your “New Phone, Who This-ness” if you’re planning on participating in #CuffingSeason2016. If not, in the words of P!nk, it will be you and your hand keeping warm for the winter. Your goal is to have someone to keep you warm and stoke your fire during the cold weather. Return text messages as soon as you can and be prepared to actually go out on a date, if offered. However, don’t become clingy and a bug-a-boo.
-State your intentions and ground rules upfront. Keep in mind, cuffing season is exactly that…a season. Let your potential cuddle buddy know upfront that you aren’t looking for anything serious and you want to keep it casual. If you’re planning on a having additional partners, state that upfront.Set ground rules for your partnership and be willing to make compromises such as tagging each other in social media posts, etc.
-Create the ultimate cuffing season playlist. Create the ultimate soundtrack for your cuffing sessions. Turns the lights down low and light some candles. Roll up a few joints or spark up a hookah. Place some pillows and blankets on the floor. All you need is the perfect soundtrack: Maxwell, Jill Scott, Drake, Ro James, Rihanna, pre-Lemonade Beyonce’, Torey Lanez, Sade, and of course Mary. The playlist should chill, but sexy. No Thugga Thugga. No Lemonade. No Yolanda Adams. Maybe some Frank Ocean. If you have a music streaming service like Apple Music or Spotify, just search for a cuffing season playlist that fits your mood.
-Don’t spend no more than 2 days a week together. Unless you’re planning on making this season last forever like you’re Keith Sweat, limit your cuffing sessions to no more than 2 nights a week per person. You have to remember this is a temporary situation and you don’t want to come across as clingy. After all, you have to remain focus on your actual life.
-Keep it fun and sexy. Don’t make it complicated and just let shit happen naturally. During this time, get to know and enjoy hanging out with each other. For me, the more I know about a potential partner, the more I want to spend time with them.
The million dollar question: am I looking for a cuddle buddy for #CuffingSeason2016? To be honest, no I’m not. However, I would not turn it down if the right dude comes along to convince me. As I’ve stated in previous posts, I can Netflix and chill by my goddamn self. My cuddle buddy will need to know I love going to county fairs and fall festivals, then we can come back to the crib, strip down to our underwear, cuddle under the blanket, and keep each other warm in more ways than one. Wishful thinking I know.