All my life, I had to fight. I had to fight homophobia. I had to fight racism. I had to fight trade from robbing me after we fucked. A butch queen ain’t safe in a world dominated by toxic masculinity, but I ain’t never thought I’d have to fight other black gays because I live by my own rules.
I remixed a quote from Oprah’s famous line from the movie The Color Purple to set the tone for this post. Figuratively(and sometimes physically), I feel like I’m constantly fighting with my black gays brothers because I believe in following my own rules, thinking and stepping outside of the box.
Case in point, I recently attending an event and this queen gave me the “Side eye of death” because I told him that I did not attend church. Mind you, this nigga used, “Didn’t we use to ride church together years ago?” as a pick up line.
After I told I don’t attend church, he pursed his lip-gloss glazed lips, stared daggers at me, and shook his head in disapproval. Like the ice in my Vanilla Crown Royal and Coke : I just want this shit to be over.
Boyfriend’s gaze said it all : You’re a black gay man living in Atlanta and you don’t attend a church? How dare you? Before we could even get in that conversation, I chugged down my ice, said my goodbyes to some people at knew at the function, and exited stage left.
I wish I could tell ya’ll this was the first time I received the “Side eye of Death.” Like my dreams of fucking Omari Hardwick, that is only a wish. I have received multiple “side eyes of death” while attending black gay functions.
Not attending a church is not the only way to get this side eye, there is five other infractions you will have to commit. If you’ve been following my blog, you already know my ass loves compiling lists .
I present to the class, the five other infractions that will guarantee you to receive the “Side eye of Death” while attending Black Gay Social Events. This includes house parties, dinner gatherings, and those unfortunate sex parties where there’s more round table discussions than fucking going on.
Infraction #1- You aren’t a fan of or never heard of their favorite diva. Every gay man has his favorite diva. Mariah, Whitney, Nicki, Rihanna, Mary, Beyonce, etc. However, if you’re not a fan(as the millennials say) of Ray J’s sister or some American Idol reject, you can start a whole world war. God forbid you get into a shouting match with a KeKe Wyatt stan. Three things I never discuss with anyone of outside of my friend group: religion, politics, and divas. After all someone isn’t going to like what you say anyway, so why waste your breath.
Infraction #2- Not being impressed with the name dropping or titles. This infraction is usually committed in New York, Los Angeles, DC, or Atlanta. It never fails, it always that one queen who is the celebrity stylist of one of those Love & Hip-Hop Bitches, the publicist for some non-hit wonder singer, or the friend of a friend of a Blacktress who didn’t have a nonspeaking part in the latest Tyler Perry film.
These people tend to name drop or describe their title every 3 minutes in their conversation with the hopes of you being impressed. When you’re not impressed, they become annoyed with you. In reality: I don’t give a fuck about who you may know. I want to know more about you as a person.
Infraction #3-Not participating in the loud, shade, or reading festivities. I get it: reading and shade throwing is apart of gay culture. However, every conversation shouldn’t ALWAYS(and I repeat ALWAYS) feel like the library is open.
Now don’t get it twisted: I have read bitches their last will and testimony on occasions. Hell, I’m reading people now. I have thrown shade or been shady towards someone I despise. Have I been loud? I’m from Alabama, that comes with the territory.
However if I’m reading or shading anyone, more than likely I’m less than 120 seconds away from punching that person in the trachea. Meaning: I use it a mode of defense and warning you to back all the way fuck out of my face.
At functions, I’m usually quiet and just observing the vibe of the room. Besides greetings, I only speak when spoken to. Blame it on my social anxiety. I avoid the Shade Queen as much as possible. You don’t have to look for her; girlfriend will be the loudest or the attention seeker in the room. We all know a gal like that.
However, I do exchange pleasantries with The Shade Queen. “Hey Shade(pronounced like Sade the singer)! How you been?”
Shade Queens speaks, gets quiet, looks around, and then ask, “Jimmie, what do you think of Such-and-Such’s new dude, You know he fucked just about everyone in this room?” Without a response, I excuse myself from the conversation because I refuse to entertain gossip.
I try avoid the shady sissy environment as much as possible. The energy in the room is always negative and you can never fully enjoy yourself. I would rather stay at home and binge a Homicide Hunter marathon that be a room full of shady sissies.
Infraction#4-Being open to date outside your demographic. The amazing thing about being gay, like my boy Rodd Klever says, is being free and open. However, the black gays men I’ve encountered feel the need to check a box: masculine, DL, black only, etc. I, on the other hand, love men of all races, shapes, and creeds, and I can’t afford to block any blessings that I may encounter. I do love my black men, but I also have a thing for #Otherthans aka other than blacks, masculine, Christian, etc.
Recently, I was berated by an acquaintance because I admitted that I’ve not only had interracial sex but I will date outside of my race.
Acquaintance asked “What’s wrong with dating brothas? You just haven’t found the right brotha to settle down with.”
“There’s nothing wrong with dating black men,” I say, “However, I also love men of all culture and races.”
The first time I was made love to was with an #Otherthan. Not the first time I had sex or been fucked. But the first time I was made love to.
#Otherthan made feel like a king. As he pumping, humping, and grinding, he repeatedly told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, and sexy. He didn’t have any sexual hangups. He made feel a W-O-M-A-N. And when I closed my eyes and climaxed, I exhaled with ecstasy like my name was Savannah from Waiting to Exhale.
Infraction #5 – You don’t plan on being a serious relationship or getting married soon. Since the US Supreme Court made it legal for gays to get married, it seemed as everyone was eager for marriage or getting bae’d up with the hopes of becoming the next Juan & Gee, Kordell & Kaleb, or Burt and Ernie.
Not everyone has the desire to get married or even be in a relationship. Myself included. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against marriage. However, I don’t think it’s right for me at this moment. I can barely keep a relationship for more than six months. Just because I don’t want to get married doesn’t make me a slut or whore. Everybody ain’t trying to find Prince Charming. So of us are trying to established other goals like traveling and building an empire.
What can you to defend yourself against the “Side eye of Death”? Walk away from the situation. It’s okay to be your authentic self. Everyone isn’t suppose to the same and cookie cutter. As Auntie Mame says in one of my fave movies, “ Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death.” It’s okay to play by your owns rules.