My So-Called Introverted Dating Life

I have a confession to make: I’m an introvert. I know that’s hard to believe. After all I am a blogger, semi-well known, and allegedly have a nude Tumblr page (keyword: alleged). However, most writers, artists, and entertainers are introverts: Beyonce’, Jay-Z, Marilyn Monroe, Lady Gaga, Rosa Parks, Prince, and even President Barack Obama. All game changers but introverted as hell.

What is an introvert? According to Psychology Today, introverts are people who tend to be more reserved, inner thinkers, enjoy spend time alone, and rather have stimulating one-on-one conversation. Gay World translation: that queen that comes across as shady, arrogant, and stand offish because he’s quiet and not being the center of attention. In the words of Melanie Fiona, I’ve been that dude.

As one-third of the world’s population, introverts are known to be more self-aware, more observant, not show emotions, great listeners, and highly focus than our extrovert counterparts. Small talk, social gatherings, and group activities are things we as introverts loathe. The only thing I remotely like doing as a group is sex and even that whole process is a pain in the ass.

Speaking of sex, how do introverts survive in the dating game especially since we’re known as loners and love ignoring phone calls and texts? How do we make some who is outgoing and the life of the party more understanding of our need for solitude and vice versa? What strategy should introverts use to get what they want(i.e. sex, relationship, job) when most of us fear rejection? The answer to these questions might surprise you.

Last winter,  I had an opportunity to attend a Vision Board Brunch hosted by BE Magazine. The purpose of the brunch was for young black professionals to create vision boards of their goals and objectives in the upcoming year or years. The event also featured guest speakers such as a celebrity personal trainer and brand strategist that discussed  their visions and how they came true. One speaker in particular spoke about being an introvert and how they introverts can be successful professionally and personally.

“You know how Beyonce’ created Sasha Fierce as her alter ego ?,” the speaker asked. “As introverts, you must create an alter ego. Use this alter-ego to get your point across and act as your representation especially when working in business. Most introverts do not like attention and do not like to put themselves out there. However, you have to put yourself out there even when you’re not comfortable. Use your alter-ego.” (Side note: Straight people love to bring up Beyonce’ for every situation just like that gays).

So introverts, the first step in dating is creating an alter ego. Your alter ego should be a true reflection and representation of your true self, not of someone you think should be. Your alter ego should enhance qualities that you already have deep inside but you’re not comfortable to show to the world. Like Beyonce’ used Sasha Fierce to get over her fear of performing for audiences and snatching wigs, Bey already had those qualities in her. However  her alter ego enhanced those qualities for her to get over shyness.

Another example,  my alter ego Jimmie Valentino is “The Thick Boy Sex Siren who exudes confidence, sexuality, and sensuality.” In reality, the only thing I’m exuding is my head wrap watching the ID Channel or HGTV in the bed. The qualities I used to describe my alter-ego are qualities that I have in real life. I use Jimmie Valentino when its time for to host parties, write this blog, or attend networking events because those are times where I need to leave my tortoise-shell.

Besides creating an alter ego, here are other steps for introverts to become more successful in dating;

  • Date another introvert. Dating another introvert should reduce the awkwardness of dating. More than likely you both hate small talk, crowds, or parties. Hopefully, you both will be willing to try new things with each other.
  • Be honest about the things you like. If you’re not a bottle popping in VIP every weekend type of person, tell the person you’re dating just that. Lying about your interests will not help you connect with person, it will only help you resent the person. If you don’t like crowds, say that. If clubbing isn’t your thing, be honest. However, if you’re really into this person and vice versa, compromising is essential. One weekend you turn up for him, next weekend he turns down for you.
  • Spark up a friendship first. As introverts, we thrive of meaningful connections and conversations. Whether its discussing current events, the new Michael “Bae” Jordan film, or our love of poetry, introverts get aroused from connections with people similar interests. Majority of our friendships are based on mutual interests. Taking a class or joining an online group will also make meeting people less painful because you already have a common bond with the person you’re interested in.
  • Don’t be afraid of or runaway from conflict. Evangelist Mary J. Blige once said, relationships ain’t all roses. As introverts, we don’t like to show emotions and most of us avoid conflict like Janet Jackson is avoiding showing skin during her recent concerts. Every relationship(including friendships)will have disagreements and we as introverts like to process information before speaking. We also have a tendency to cut people off because we rather not confront them about the conflict. I say work out your conflict and come to a mutual resolution.

Introverts can be successful in dating. We just have to work at in comparison to extroverts. Yes, we hate small talk, not good at flirting, and rather have our “me time” than hanging out with crowds. Where the hell can we go if we can’t  go to Bella Noche’s? For Introverts, more than like we’ll take our asses to bed and binge watch Netflix.

For you non introverts, here’s are some guideline to dating introverts:

  • We aren’t boring people, we just don’t like to turn up all the damn time.
  • We don’t want to feel like your fans, groupies, or apart of your entourage, we prefer one-on-one or intimate interaction. This includes showing up with an extra person when it is supposed to be just the two of us hanging out with giving  proper notification. I’m being anti-social because I wasn’t prepared for to  hang out with another person .
  • Disagreements and arguments for us requires us to digest, process, and understand the issues before we speak on the situation. We don’t want to discuss the issue in real time; however, we will discuss it once we understand it and try to come up with a resolution. All we ask for is time.
  • Introverts  love our “me time”. This doesn’t mean we don’t ever want to talk to or see you again in life. It mean our energy has been drained and before we lose interest in your ass or curse you out, we need to fallback from you for a few hours or at least a day. That way we can be on our John Legend and give you all of us including our positive energy. Try not to get into your feeling about it. Ya Dig?

If you’re an introvert, what are some of your tips on dating? Please share them below.