The Five Fag Hag Commandments

So you want to be a fag hag? Yes, a fag hag. You know, one of those females who love the gays. You love to party, hang out, and experience everything that Gay World has to offer but you just so happen to be a straight woman. Well Babygirl, I am here to help you earn your fag hag merit badges.

First, you must understand the role of a fag hag. Fag hags have played a major role in a gay boy’s life since high school. Whether acting as his prom date or pretend girlfriend(in his eyes anyway), fag hags is the one friend a gay can count on. If a gay man chooses you as his female best friend, that means he’s letting down his guard and trusting you to have his back at all times. Dionne Warrick said it best, that’s what friends are for.

I understand that befriending gay men is the current trend amongst the urban female thanks to Reality TV and social media. You’ve learned the gay lingo by watching some over 35 year old Reality Star, using phrases such “Yes Gawd Honey,” “Get Yo Life,” “Beat My Mug” etc. Or you probably watched a couple of hairstylists that wear high heels and make-up or following a few bloggers that wear wigs, weaves, and look androgynous, and think its time to get a gay friend.

What you must understand, prospective fag hag, don’t believe everything you see in the media when it comes to gay men. Not all gay men wear heels, wigs, weaves, makeup, or wear women’s clothing. I know that’s what you are accustomed to seeing the “Queens” of the community in the media. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with queens because they have paved the way for gays to become mainstream. However, you must understand that gay men come in various flavors like ice cream. The queens don’t represent the whole gay community. So if you’re looking for a replica of the gays you’ve seen on TV, in the words of RuPaul, please…

For those of you who are still in the running for being a fag hag, let the initiation begin.

Ladies, there are guidelines to becoming a fag hag. Not necessarily guidelines, but more like commandments. No Moses didn’t come down the mountain with these commandments, however Destiny’s Child did give us the Writing’s On The Wall. These commandments are essential if you’re planning to become a fag hag. If you fail to keep these commandments, trust me when I say, the gays will turn on  you quicker than a new perm getting wet.  With that said, let’s go over some of these commandments.

1. Thou shall not treat gay friend like a pet, an accessory, or the help. Blame this is on Reality TV. Every ratchet reality show has a gay that’s either a make-up artist, hairstylist, personal assistant, lab rat, psycho therapist,  food taster…basically the Help. In the real world, don’t treat your gay friend like the help even if he’s a hairstylist or make-up artist. As his friend, get to know him and realize that being gay is only one aspect of him. Just because we happen to like men does not make us any different from the rest of the world. We’re not here for your entertainment unless you are tipping us at drag show.

2. Thou shall not attempt to use slang without understanding the meaning. Another thing we can blame on Ratchet Reality TV. I’m going to keep this one simple: just be yourself. Keep the “Yes Gawds” and “Gooped the Kids” to the very minimum. To me, its becomes a parody of what you think a gay man can relate to. Think about it like this: when white people try to use hip-hop slang around a group of black people and that “WTF” look we give them. It’s the same here. We’re not laughing with you, we are laughing at you. I

3. Thou shall not look and/or act a hot mess in public. Remember the last rule about just being yourself, well there’s an exception to that rule. As a fag hag, you are a representation of your gay friend. I get tired of seeing straight women in the gay clubs looking like they never used a brush, iron, or mirror in their whole lifetime. I’m not saying you should look like a supermodel but you should be Instagram ready at all times. Also, control your liquor. There’s nothing worst than seeing a drunk bitch throwing up or getting loud in the punk bar.

4. Thou shall understand that everything will be dropped for sex. Do I REALLY need to explain this?

5. Thou shall stand against homophobia. This is the most important commandment of all. As a fag hag, you are an ally to gay community. This also means checking your man if he make homophobic comments about your gay friend.  Also, don’t try to convert or save your gay friend because you think he’s going to hell because that’s also homophobic as well. Don’t just tolerate your gay friend but also respect him. We all just want a lil’ respect, no Aretha Franklin.

If you are willing to keep these commandments, you will be the best damn fag hag a homo could have. Remember ladies, gay men are still men. We just so happen to love some of the same things you do but don’t get it twisted. Congratulations on becoming a fag hag.

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