“Jimmie, you are an attractive guy, so why are you still single?” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked that question, I would have enough money to pay off Sallie Mae or buy all my friends VIP packages for the Bey/Jay concert. Whether its on a date, on social media, special event, or hell, even places where nudity is required and conversation is at a minimum except “Our we gonna do this or nah?”, the question comes up. Why I am still single?
My usual answer goes like this: I’m single because I’m happy, I’m single because I’m free. My eyes are on the sparrow, I’m single because I’m me. All I need is Kirk Franklin and the Family to provide the background. All jokes side, I usually give the standard, ” I don know why I’m single” or ” I just haven’t found the right one” answer. As much as I want those answers to be true, in all honesty, I know the reasons why I’m single. However, I’ve never acknowledged those reasons until now. This is gonna be interesting.
If you’ve been reading my blog like you should, then you know I have a tendency of calling people out on their bullshit. So it’s time for me to practice what I preach and call out my own. Disclaimer: Keep in mind that I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit. I’m not looking for sympathy but I do believe that some people may be able to relate to my life experiences that I’m about to share with the world and it may help them. So I present to the jury, the honest, raw and uncut, answer to the million dollar question: why am I STILL single?
I’m single because I have trust issues. Blame it on my childhood, blame it on my past lovers. Blame it on so-called friends. As much as I would love to let down my guard and open up to potential mates, the past has taught me a lesson on being cautious of who let in my world. When you’ve experience hurt majority of your life, it’s difficult to let down those walls you have created so that you will never have that experience again. Those trust issues become control issues. I have a tendency to control every aspect of my life including dating. The control comes from not wanting to be disappointed, let down, or hurt by anything or anyone. Admittedly, letting go of trust issues and control is not going to happen overnight but the first step is admittance. I’m also learning not to set expectations for people in your life because if they don’t meet your expectations, you will be disappointed. However the disappointment is your issue, not the other person. The other person didn’t asked to be put on a pedestal nor should they be required to carry that burden. NO EXPECTATIONS, NO DISAPPOINTMENTS.
Speaking of past lovers, I’m still dealing with past heartbreaks. No I’m not bitter or angry over how those relationships ended. Nor do I want any of those knuckleheads back either. However, the heartbreaks I’ve experience were the outcomes of not expressing what I wanted from any of the relationships. Honestly, I thought I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship. Insecurities about my appearance because I wasn’t slim or muscular had me thinking it was okay to just settle for what I can get, so let me just tolerate all the bad shit. Do I still believe that? Absolutely not. Yea, I still not slim and I’m semi-muscular(I’m getting there) but I know deserve and want more. The heartbreaks taught me these relationship principles: don’t be so quick to fall in love, know your worth, establish your relationship boundaries, and be precise about what you from a relationship and a partner. So l’m single because I’m still searching for that real love that I truly deserve and not settle for the sugar substitute.
I’m single because I’m being restored from the results of being emotionally damaged. My past has not only traumatized me physically and mentally, it has also traumatized me emotionally as well. My damages come from the hurt and pain that I described earlier. Just being numb to everything that effects your emotions. My emotional damage caused me to mess up some great relationships with some great people. My emotional damage didn’t even allow me to beg like Keith Sweat, Drake, Jodeci and Tank combined for my exes not to leave me because I wanted them to stay. Instead my attitude was,”If you wanna leave then leave. I”m not begging you to stay somewhere you don’t wanna be”. And my all time favorite at the time, “I knew you were gonna leave me like everybody else did.” I intentionally pushed them away because I expected them to hurt me eventually like everyone else did. So before they get emotionally attached to me, I will become emotionally detached. So I ended up breaking their hearts like mine was broken previously.
Since then, I’ve let go of the theory of showing emotions is a sign of weakness that people will prey on. I now know that expressing your emotions is a sign of strength. I’ve learned to be more sympathetic towards others and not be so cold when it comes to their emotions. I’ve learn to be apologetic when I’ve offended someone. I’ve learned to express myself without being angry or violence. People will listen to you if you calm your ass down. Its okay for a man to cry sometimes. Before I get involved with anyone, I have to make sure that I’m 80 percent repaired from the damage. I’m currently at 70 percent so we’re making progress.
I’m single because I have philophobia: the fear of love. For some, love equals beauty, joy, and happiness. For me, love is the exact opposite: pain, hurt, and sadness. My childhood didn’t exactly set the best examples of love. The examples of love growing up was the abuse, the hurt, and the sadness that was brought on by people were suppose to love you(or they said they do anyway). I would eventually have the same experience of love as an adult as I experienced as a child. Betrayed friendships, abusive lovers, and negligent relatives continued to abuse, hurt, disappoint and abandon me all in the name of love. Same script, different cast with some guest appearances from the original cast. Unfortunately, saying I love you doesn’t move me. Love is an action verb in my dictionary. Your actions show that you love me or you really don’t give a fuck about me at all. I know that love ain’t supposed to be fucked up and I need someone teach me how to love. I’m willing to experience the beauty, joy, and happiness of love only if someone is truly patient to show me those examples.
Finally, I’m single by choice. Before I get in a relationship with anyone, I needed to establish a relationship with myself. And I’m loving the relationship I’ve established thus far. Before establishing this relationship, I had to adjust my attitude and mentally and spiritually detox all the negativity of in my life. I had to let go of the anger, the bitterness, and jadedness of my past. The past was the exactly that..the past. I can’t change it, so why keep lingering in it. Next, I had to learn to love myself. I had to accept my flaws and accomplishments. I had to encourage myself. How can I love somebody else, if I can’t love myself enough to know when its time to let go. You know who taught me that.
Also, I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle of hurt when it comes to relationships. Someone hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you. Hurt people hurt people. That’s not my outlook. It’s unfair to have your new mate suffer the consequences of past events. I’ve learned from past mistakes however a new relationship is a new experience. You have to be ready and willing to move on with your life because the people in your past have moved on with theirs. If I want a positive and healthy relationship, I have to show that I’m capable of having a positive and healthy relationship. You are what you attract. Point blank and the period.
So the next time someone asks me, “Why are you single?” I will just give them the URL to this blog post and that should answer their question. I’m just joking. I’m attempting to end this post on a hilarious note. On a serious note, you should never judge a book by its cover. Just because someone appears to be attractive, you don’t know their internal struggle. Now lets toast to that.
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