SHIT.BORED.HORNY

“Yo What’s Good?

Shit. Sup with you.

Bored yo, horny as fuck yo. Open yo private pic.  Got any nudes? FWM.

No nudes bruh but I’m checkin’ you out. Can you host? I don’t have a car and I can’t host. Can you pick me? FWM.”

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you what it’s like to have a conversation (or lack thereof) online these days. Log on to your favorite hook-up app looking for a connection on a lonely, cold night and you’re bound to have a conversation similar to the one above. After all, you ain’t doing shit, you’re bored and horny. Shit. Bored. Horny.

I understand that most people’s experiences with online hook-up spots such as Grindr, A4A, and Jack’d are used to make friends(side eye), love connections, or no strings attached encounters. Knowing their name, what is their favorite color, or their telephone number isn’t on your to-do list. Nutting and bouncing is the main objective. What are you into? ParTy and play maybe. I’m sure Mary, Keyshia, Christina, CoCo, and Miley will be making several guest appearances this evening. WYD? Shit. Bored. Horny.

Unfortunately, the only Mary, Keyshia, Christina, CoKo, and Miley I’m into is on my iPod and it’s gonna take more than saying shit, bored, and horny for you to get me out of my Calvin Klein underwear. My definition of party and play is going to house parties and playing Spades and Apples to Apples, not getting together to have illicit drug-filled unprotected sex with anonymous sperm donors. Call me old-fashion and a prude but I get turned on by actual conversations and chemistry.

In a perfect world, excellent conversation consists of discussing your dreams and aspirations, what are your belief systems, favorite movies, and various subjects besides your favorite reality starlet and musical diva. Displaying your intelligence will get me to throw my drawers at you. Not discussing if I am a top or bottom or asking for a dick pic within five minutes of you sending me a message.

Chemistry is another turn on for me. That kind of chemistry that makes you wonder what would it be like if you two(or maybe three..kitty me-ow) were in the same room together, sharing a glass of Jack Daniels Honey and a blunt, listening to 90s R&B music in the background, and one thing leads to another. Oops! There goes ya’ll shirts over your heads. Oh My! Oops! There goes ya’ll boxers falling to ya’ll knees.Oh My! That’s chemistry. Not “Sup Yo, Checkin U Out, U Wanna Fuck?.”  Chemistry is for the grown folks. Shit, bored, horny is for rugrats and I’m not talking about Tommy and Angelica Pickles.

Getting to know someone or establishing a connection may feel like a waste of time for you. Back in day, you’ve tried getting to know various dudes without success. You feel a connection, converse throughout the day via text, and both of you start showing signs of this could be the one. Then ya’ll meet, have sex, and like bad Wi-Fi, the connection is no longer available. In the end, you felt rejected, heartbroken, and empty.  At this point, you believes that dudes are all about playing mind games and you can’t afford to have your heart broken repeatedly. It’s niggas like them that created the man you are: cold, cut throat, emotionless, and heartless. You’re all about the fuck sessions and not the love connection. No more wasting time on getting to know niggas. Shit, bored, horny is your constant response because you’re protecting your heart. We’ve all been there and understand your frustration.

However, you’re a grown ass man and grown men know how to converse. Little boy conversations must cease to exist. I don’t want to see “FWM”, “HMU,” “Sup”, “Checking you out,” or none of that other abbreviated bullshit. If you want to get my attention, in the words of Toni Braxton, just be a man about it. I know we ain’t trying to get married but having conversation skills goes along way.

What are some of your pet peeves about online dating? Share them below.